Just Doomed
by inomztietuseoe
Summary: An episode script I wrote a long time ago...


FADE IN PAN RIGHT

Mrs. Bitters' class during lecture, all trying to stay conscious.

GROUND SHOT OF BITTERS

BITTERS:

...and that is why we are all hopelessly doomed and there is no use trying to stop it. We're only human and therefore only stupid enough to get depressed about reality. Questions?

WIDE ANGLE OF CLASS

Dib waves his hand stupidly in the air and everyone turns to him.

CLOSE UP ON BITTERS

BITTERS:

Dib?

FOCUS ON DIB

DIB:

When are we doomed? What's gonna happen? Why don't you people see the alien trying to enslave all of us?

PAN TO ZIM

ZIM:

The Dib is going crazy again. I am normal.

PIVOT TO BITTERS

BITTERS:

Zim, you didn't raise your hand. You have therefore volunteered to help me answer Dib's horrible question.

ROTATE TO ZIM

ZIM:

Yes, sir!

LONG SHOT OF FRONT OF CLASS

Zim walks to the front of the class and blows raspberries at Dib on the way. Mrs. Bitters stands up and draws a long timeline on the blackboard.

BITTERS:

To get how society will end, we need to get how it started. Zim lay down on the floor in front of Dib's desk.

GROUND SHOT OF DIB AND ZIM

Zim slides into position and plops face-down on the floor, knocking his toupee slightly askew. Mrs. Bitters pokes Zim's back with her pointer stick while writing on the board.

FOCUS ON BITTERS

BITTERS:

Mankind started as blobs floating face-down in the primordial soup that once covered the planet. Then, we slowly evolved into fishes. Next, we were reptilian. Zim is a good example of what we would have looked like, no ears, no nose, smooth and greenish skin, and perhaps only three fingers. Zim, sit up!

HIGH SHOT OF FRONT OF CLASSROOM

Zim sits up and fixes his wig.

BITTERS:

Then we grew into monkeys, with hair and pink skin. We learned how to walk upright. Stand up, Zim!

KID:

RACIST COMMENT!

BITTERS:

SILENCE!

Zim stands.

BITTERS:

Then, we developed into the horrible creatures we are today. We stay like this for a while, invent a few things, get bored and invent more things, and invent things that will invent things themselves. Now, we get so bored with inventing garbage that we destroy ourselves instead. The process is beginning to turn us back into reptiles like Zim, and then we just, doom ourselves for entertainment. Zim is obviously a bit more evolved than the rest of you, congratulations to him, and seems to be in the final stage of existence, he'll kill himself any time now. Go back to your seat please, Zim.

FOLLOW ZIM

Zim returns to his desk and copies down the timeline, muttering nervously to himself.

DIB:

So, we're all going to look like Zim, and them just, be doomed?

PAN TO BITTERS

BITTERS:

Yes.

bell rings

BITTERS:

Get out of here now!

FADE TO THE MASSIVE

The Tallest are talking to a panicked Zim on the main screen.

PURPLE:

Why do you trust the bitter thing, Zim? Is it tall?

RED:

It couldn't be taller than us.

PURPLE:

Of course not... Could it?

GIR:

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED! BACON IS DOOOOOOOOOOOOMED! PIGGYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

ZIM:

Don't panic GIR, it will only depress you!

GIR:

...DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

ZIM:

What, my Tallest? Oh! Oh, yes. The Bitters is very tall.

PURPLE:

Tall? How tall? Taller than us? The Almighty Tallest? Noooooooooo...

RED:

Zim, is it taller than us? The Tallest, I mean?

ZIM:

Yes! It is powerfully tall... Like... It is as tall and powerful as Invader Skoodge is short and ugly!

GIR, RED, & PURPLE:

WHAAAAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

FADE TO AN IRKEN LOCKET IN PURPLE'S HAND

A picture of the poster-boy "Skoodge" is in the locket.

PURPLE:

Do you mean the real Skoodge or the cute one?

ZOOM OUT

RED & ZIM:

HUH?!?!?!?!

PURPLE:

sigh what? I support galactic conquest as much as the next guy!

RED:

So you keep his picture in a locket? You even drew little hearts around his head!

PURPLE:

Awwwwww…. You're just jealous.

RED & PURPLE:

PFFT! laugh

RED:

Oh, Zim. You're still here. chuckle

FOCUS ON PURPLE

PURPLE:

(stressed whispering)

Cut the transmission! Cut the transmission now!

ZOOM OUT

RED:

Shush!

ZIM:

Yes, Tallest. I am here.

PURPLE:

(whine)

Cut! The! Transmission!

FACE TALLESTS

RED:

Never! Zim, this information is very interesting.

Put your mission on hold for a sec and see what else the bitter thing knows. This is very important, Zim! The fate of all Irkens could depend on your victory against this creature!

PURPLE:

END TRANSMISSION!!!!! What was that all about, Red?

RED:

laugh We want to get rid of Zim, right?

PURPLE:

Yeah.

RED:

So we sent him to Earth.

PURPLE:

Yeah.

RED:

But it didn't work. He's still alive, see?

PURPLE:

Yeah……. No, not really.

RED:

sigh If this bitter thing is even half of our height, it will undoubtedly be able to defeat the little guy. So, we get Zim on the Bitter's nerves, and that's it for Zim! laugh

PURPLE:

OHHHHHHHHH! But, how could something half our size kill him if we coul-

RED:

SHUT UP!

Red throws a doughnut at Purple's head. The snack slips over Purple's antennae.

FOCUS ON PURPLE

PURPLE:

(singsong)

Thank you, Red!

Purple messily eats the doughnut and starts randomly singing, bits of doughnut flying from his mouth.

PURPLE:

(singing)

JELLY! My jelly-filled treasure. A PASTRY! Un-matched in jelly…ly yum-ness. THE JELLY IS RED! Like Red's polka-dot UNDERWEA-

Purple's song is interrupted when Red's claws pull on the side of his face.

FOCUS ON BOTH TALLESTS

RED:

Attendance-engineer-people-things, hold my calls for a second, would'ya?

PURPLE:

EY! WA ID I OO? WA ID I OO?

Red drags Purple off-screen.

ineligible yelling and minor explosive laser noises

PURPLE:

(off-screen)

I'M GOING TO GO GET A SNACK, 'KAY RED? 'KAY?

RED:

(off-screen)

sob I need to pummel something…

FADE TO GIR'S DOGGIE-FACE

doorbell

GIR:

Come in, fishy! The pig is already here!

FOCUS ON DIB

Door opens and Dib walks in.

DIB:

Now to expose you, Zi-

ZOOM OUT

GIR attacks Dib's head.

GIR:

Taco man ate the fishy! Give it back! Give it back!

FOCUS ON GIR

GIR jumps back heroically and strikes a girly pose.

GIR:

Wait… Your not taco, you're an imposter!

FOCUS ON DIB

GIR throws his squid toy at Dib.

DIB:

Uh huh. Yeah. So, where's Zim?

GIR:

MASTER GOT A HOT DATE WITH THE SHADOW LADY! Now, go away!

GIR pushes Dib out the door.

GIR:

Round one goes to me! YAY!

FADE TO DIB'S ROOM

DIB:

'Hot date with the shadow lady'? I get one full sentence from Zim's robot, and it has to lead me directly to nowhere. Figures.

GAZ:

Zim has a date? I thought that was the one thing you'd beat him at.

DIB:

Yeah… Wait, what is Gaz doing in my head?

GAZ:

Homework. Quit talking to yourself.

DIB:

Oh, okay.

Gaz steals multiples of Dib's normal outfit from his closet and walks silently back to her room.

FOCUS ON DIB

DIB:

Wait…… isn't mistressofshadow one of Gaz's gamer names?

GAZ:

(offscreen)

YES IT IS! NOW, SHUT UP!

DIB:

Well, I suppose Gaz would have a game name like that…. Wait, what?

GAZ:

(offscreen)

"Username must be at least six characters long", idiot!

DIB:

Oh, yeah. Wait, Gaz is the shadow lady?

GAZ:

(offscreen)

Shadow MISTRESS! Don't EVER call me 'lady', Dib-stink! Or you will wake up one morning as a lady yourself!

DIB:

S-sorry… I- Did you just call me Dib-STINK?

ZOOM OUT

GAZ:

Yes I did. Give me your glasses monkey-pig-smelly-stink-head-monkey-thing.

DIB:

What for?

GAZ:

It's 'dress as an idiot' day at Bloaty's. I'm in the mood for a free pizza. I couldn't decide on which idiot I should dress as, so I'll act like that green kid to make life interesting.

DIB:

Wow, great costume. Where'd you get it?

GAZ:

Closet. I'm not really enjoying the underwear thing though.

DIB:

WHAT UNDERWEAR THING?

GAZ:

SILENCE WORM!

FADE TO ZIM WALKING DOWN THE STREET

ZIM:

(singing)

'There I was. Just a walkin' down the street. Singin' doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo. Yeah.' Something, something. I can't remember any more. 'Singin' doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo. Ooh!'

(talking)

Why am I singing anyway? How did I ever stoop so low? Why am I talking to myself? Wait, it's only weird if the Dib-human does it. I always have long drawn-out monologues like this. Oh, well.

Zim keeps humming

ZOOM OUT TO SEE JHONEN GARBAGE-MAN

ZIM:

WHAT DO YOU STARE AT, FILTHY-TRASH-HUMAN?

JHONEN:

Would you like me to UN-create your vocal chords?

ZIM:

Eh?

JHONEN:

sigh aod oo liak mei to na-creat oor ocal cahords?

ZIM:

Eh?

JHONEN:

YOU. WANT. NO. TALK. NO. MORE?

ZIM:

Eh?

JHONEN:

Will you please shut up and continue walking, Zim?

ZIM:

Eh?

JHONEN:

I have Nacho in my pocket, Zim!

ZIM:

CRAZY EARTH-POOP!

JHONEN:

I need a new fish to keep me sane. These anti-depressants aren't quite cutting it.

ZOOM IN TO BOTTLE IN JHONEN'S HAND

The label of the bottle has the Zoloft mascot on it. Zoloft smiles and then Nny-turned-blob Zoloft rampages against his mascot nemesis.

JHONEN:

Another victory for Nny. Joy.

FADE TO INSIDE BITTERS' HOUSE

doorbell rings

Door opens and Zim walks in.

BITTERS:

Oh, it's the doomed child.

ZIM:

Yes, I would like to learn more about my upcoming suicidal rampage.

BITTERS:

Well, I usually don't lecture outside school hours…. But you probably don't have much time before your doom. Follow me. How did you know where I lived anyway?

ZIM:

You're in the teachers' lounge.

ZOOM OUT TO SHOW THAT THEY ARE INDEED IN THE TEACHERS' LOUNGE

BITTERS:

Oh, yeah. I forgot to go home again. Well, better late than never.

FADE TO OUTSIDE SKOOL

Mrs. Bitters is wearing mittens, earmuffs, a sock-hat and a huge coat that covers her feet. The ice-cream truck is droning on in the background. Zim stares at her with a cocked "eyebrow".

BITTERS:

Skin condition.

ZIM:

Oh, right.

BITTERS:

No, really. The sun bothers me.

It starts raining heavily. Zim runs madly in circles.

BITTERS:

You should have brought one of these.

FOCUS ON BITTERS

A really big umbrella hat appears on her head, it protects both of them from the rain.

ZOOM OUT

ZIM:

Heh heh.

BITTERS:

You gonna get in?

Zim is out and still steaming. He jumps and latches onto an indifferent Mrs. Bitters.

BITTERS:

Let me guess, that's your skin condition.

ZIM:

Y-yes.

BITTERS:

You cold?

ZIM:

Y-y-y-yes.

Mrs. Bitters cackles evilly.

FADE TO DIB'S HOUSE

Zim screaming bloody murder

DIB:

What the-?

FADE TO AN ANGRY ZIM TRAPPED IN A LARGE GREY MUFF

ZIM:

Madness…

FADE TO THE BASE

GIR:

CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN! FLUFFY GOLDFISH WAFFLES THAT ARE MADE FROM REAL CHEESE! MEOW! SMILE WITH ME FISHIES! WHY ARE YOU NOT SMILING PIGGY!?!?!? CHICKEN!

FADE TO INSIDE MRS. BITTERS' HOUSE

TELEVISION:

Like sands in the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.

BITTERS:

Not again… TURN THAT JUNK OFF, WHATEVERYOURNAMEIS!

We see a skeleton on a decaying couch, "watching" TV.

BITTERS:

Spouses… what are you gonna do? ANGELICA!!! THERE'S A DOOMED CHILD HERE FOR YOU TO PLAY WITH!

ZIM:

Mrs. Bitters has a daughter?

The ghost girl from SQUEE! appears.

ANGELICA:

Hello.

BITTERS:

Tell Zim why you are here.

ANGELICA:

I didn't walk towards the light.

BITTERS:

That's right, and you're stuck here because…?

ANGELICA:

I didn't listen to my mom, or that MacMeaties' warning.

BITTERS:

Good. You see, child? Disobedience leads to a swifter doom, resulting in an eternity of this.

ZIM:

Yes… Fascinating, and the doom?

BITTERS:

Oh, yes. Doom. It's inevitable. You're just a bit ahead of the rest of mankind. Happy?

ZIM:

Um… No?

BITTERS:

Good. Now go home!

ZIM:

But tall one! I must know all that you know of this doom!

BITTERS:

Maybe you should pay attention during class.

Zim goes flying out of the door, and crashes into the side of Dib's house.

DIB:

Zim? What the-?

ZIM:

(muttering evilly)

Doom. Doom. Dooooooom… Doom. Dee-doomie doom. The doom. Doomed. All doomed. Inevitable doom…

GAZ:

I'll give you doom if you make me late for the free pizza!

ZIM AND DIB:

Huh?

FADE TO ZIM'S HOUSE

GIR:

DOOM!

FADE OUT


End file.
